Heartbreak

Last week marks two years since I ended my last relationship. Two years since I felt the full force of heartbreak, and I can’t help but reflect. Can’t help but remember that day in the context the present.

Heartbreak, it’s the worst feeling in the world. For me. That feeling of your entire being, your entire chest cavity ripping apart over and over and over. That pain is almost unbearable. Inescapable. The death of part of you.

Loss.
Heartbreak.
Grief.

This shared feeling that unites us in our humanity. Have you felt it?

I remember the moment it was over. The pain. Being torn in two pieces. The actual ripping feeling. The physical pain was astonishing. Visceral.

If you’ve been there, you know it.

What had I done?! Why the heck did I end it?! My mind calling me backwards, telling me to undo what I had just done.

But my heart and soul knew, he was not my soul-match. He was not my future. The relationship – whatever it was that we had, was not in alignment. Don’t go back.

And I remained in this state, deep in the pain and grief. Along with it came the full force of ALL the loss and heartbreak in my life, that I had never fully faced, never fully felt, rising to the surface. Previous loss and heartbreak relived and vivid again. Compounding. Ripping me apart over and over again. For a week I remained in the depths of the grief – hardly able to even function. The waves of pain dragging me under over and over again. Barely a gasp of air in-between the crashing waves that swamped me.

Yet in that pain my soul was demanding my attention. In the pain my soul was demanding my action.

My soul screamed ENOUGH!

My soul screamed YOU are the common denominator.
The power rests with you.
Let’s go!

Pain was my rocket fuel. Potent and powerful. I never ever wanted to be HERE again.

So, I made a choice. I took action. I faced my soul. I took radical self-responsibility. I went hard. I didn’t let myself off the hook for one second. I worked with a coach and faced it all. Every day a step forwards. I went deep and felt it all. I journalled and filled notebook after notebook. I consumed books and podcasts relevant to each part of my journey on masse. Not just reading, not just listening. Integrating. Embodying.

Alchemy in motion.

It was not easy. In fact, it was profoundly painful to face my soul. I remember the wrestle. From that first scream a brutal battle ensued, between the old familiar ways and the hope and mystery of the future.

But I also remember the small moments of light that kept calling me forward. The small moments when hope got an upper hand.

Hope won.
I got through to the other side. I could breathe.

A few months later, coming out of the cocoon like a butterfly. Alchemy complete. My wings unfolding.

I see where I am now. Consciously single and celibate for two years, loving myself, owning my worth and loving my life.

Circuitry rewired.

Living a life beyond what I could have imagined, beyond my wildest dreams. Connected to myself and God is a way that I had never known before. Experiencing such consistent joy and peace. Calm. Fearless bliss.

More me than ever.

Is this really my life?! Wow.

I wish I could tell the me back then what lay on the other side of the pain. On the other side of actually facing all that needed to be faced. The joy. The peace. The freedom. The awe. The wonder. The alignment. The miracles. The synchronicity. The beauty. Life at a whole new level. Next level.

Alive!

I wish I could tell her the adventures that awaited. That the best times were to come. That her old ceiling would become her new basement floor. That she would thrive.

That she would go on to build a van and embark on countless dreamy road trips. That she would find her joy in the wilderness of Tasmania. That God would call her to walk with him on even higher mountains, and she would experience the greatest spiritual adventure of life as she walked in solitude 200km through the Alps of Europe with just her tent and pack. That she would do the seemingly impossible and solo the mountains of Nepal. That she would explore Jordan and experience the happiest moments of her life. That she would start salsa dancing and feel it light up her entire being. That she would play Chopin’s Nocturne Op. No. 1 on the piano. That she would learn a language. And, so much more!

I wish I could tell her that she would be tested and tempted over and over, but by the grace of God she would stay strong. She would make it.

But most of all, I wish I could tell her that God had a plan. That God was using this to bring her back to him, to set her on a new path. The path that he had planned for her. A plan that was more wonderful than anything she had hoped or dreamed of – knowing Him!

So, instead I tell you, dear reader, on the other side of the pain it all awaits you. And it is in the pain that you will find the gift, the opening to transformation and freedom. Seek Christ alone and you will have the greatest treasure of all.

Let your pain be your rocket fuel to a new life, a new heart, a new hope, a new freedom in Jesus Christ. Jesus Chrit who died for your sins on the cross, who rose again three-days later and conquered death once and for all.

Repent and believe!

It’s your choice.


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